Newest jokes

- Criminal: Why don't you hire these twins for the robbery, boss?

- Criminal Boss: I'm afraid of a double-cross.

- Victim (to mugger): But my watch isn't any good, it only has sentimental value.

- Mugger: That's all right. I'm sentimental.

Why was the robber so secure?
→ He was a safe robber.

A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off.

- Shall I run and get it for you? - asked the prisoner obligingly.

- You must think I'm daft - said the officer.

- You stand here and I'll get it.

"What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?" asked the judge. "Well, Your Honor," replied the arresting officer, "I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, 'I want to listen to it on my record-player!'"

- Judge: Tell me your occupation.

- Prisoner: I'm a locksmith, Your Honour.

- Judge: Then what were you doing in a jewellery shop in the middle of the night when the police saw you?

- Prisoner: Making a bolt for the door!

- I think I hear burglars, dear. Are you awake?

- No!

- Judge: You claim you robbed the grocery store because you were starving. So why didn't you take the food instead of the cash out of the till?

- Burglar: Your Honour! I'm a proud man, sir, and I make it a rule to pay for everything I eat.

- Judge: Why did you steal that bird?

- Prisoner: For a lark, sir.

What did the burglar say to the watchmaker as he tied him up?
→ Sorry to take so much of your valuable time.