Newest jokes

- Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!

- Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.

- Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

- Doctor: Have you ever had this before?

- Patient: Yes.

- Doctor: Well, you've got it again!

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed:

- This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!.

The plumber quietly answered:

- Neither did I when I was a doctor.

The seven-year old girl told her mom:

- A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.

- Oh, dear - the mother nervously sighed.

- What happened, honey?

- Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.

What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?
→ If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it'll probably stop whining.

- Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.

- Doctor: Oh, really?

- Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

- Excuse me, have you lost something? - he said.

- No, we're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone. - replied one of the doctors.

- Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

- Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!

- Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?

- Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man:

- Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.

- But doc, if I do that, I'll get pneumonia - protested the patient.

- I know, I can cure pneumonia - said the doctor.