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Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said:

- Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence. Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

- Satan! - beckoned God:

- You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!

- Yeah? What if I don't? - replied the devil.

- I'll sue you if I have to - answered God.

- Sure - laughed Satan:

- Where are you going to find a lawyer?

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says:

- Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!

The man says:

- There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

- I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face.

- Wow - said Peter:

- That's impressive. When did this happen?

- Oh, about 10 minutes ago - replied the man.

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said:

- I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.

- Great! - said the first guy:

- I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!

- No problem - replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone.

- And what do you want to be - St. Peter asked the other guy.

- I'd like to be one cool stud! - was the reply.

- Easy - replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back.

- You'll find them easily - he says:

- One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!

What did King Arthur sleep with when he was afraid of the dark?
→ A knight light

Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
→ In his sleevies!

What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet?
→ Egyptian dummies.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
→ They both have 'the' as their middle names!

What does the 1286BC inscribed on the mummy's tomb indicate?
→ The registration of the car that ran him over!

What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?
→ I don't know, I wasn't invited!

When crossing the Delaware River why did George Washington stand up in the boat?
→ He was afraid that if he sat down that someone would give him an oar to row!