Newest jokes

But let's get real here guys, I mean who exactly are we kidding? A husband controls his wife in much the same manner as a barometer controls the weather.

We have a young married couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and a dog.

There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez:

- Well... What about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?

- Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees. - he bragged and took another sip of beer.

His friends were amazed! - What happened then? - they asked, almost in unison.

- Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!' - he admitted.

I know a husband and wife who have separate bedrooms, drive different cars, take separate vacations, work different shifts, have their own computers, and even have their own ISPs, separate e-mail addresses and Home Pages. They say they're doing everything they can to keep their marriage together.

A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher.

- Are you a friend of the bride? - he asked.

- Certainly not, - she snapped.

- I'm the groom's mother.

A student engineer in the office got engaged some time ago. At her wedding, I was reminding her of the first day she wore her ring. None of the other women in the office even noticed.

Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said:

- Boy!!! It's so warm in here today, I think I'll take off my ring.

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked:

- Does this fellow have any money?

The daughter shook her head sadly.

- Oh Daddy! You men are all alike. - sighing deeply, she replied.

- That's exactly what he asked me about you.

Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married.

- But you just had two weeks off, - said the boss.

- Why didn't you get married then?

- What and ruin my vacation? - she whined.

Following a bitter divorce a husband saw his wife at a party and sneered:

- You know, I was a fool when I married you.

The wife simply sighed and replied:

- Yes, dear, I know, but I was in love and didn't really notice.

A man happened to meet his ex-wife at a party, and after a few drinks, he suggested that they might have another try at marriage. His ex-wife sneered in reply:

- Over my dead body!

He downed his drink and replied:

- Well, I see you haven't changed one little bit.