Newest jokes

I overheard a friend telling his pal:

- I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.

- What is she doing? - the pal asks.

- Waiting for me to get home.

The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month. He took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts. Finally, he proposed:

- Bernie, if you will marry me, I have enough money to provide you with anything your little heart desires.

- Sorry John. - she replied.

- I'm not ready to settle down yet. And besides, you can't buy my love, but if the price is right, I might see my way clear to rent you some.

The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy their two week vacation/honeymoon.

The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said:

- Well, hi Jimmy, how ya been lover? Long time no see.

A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room. Once inside, the piqued bride demanded:

- And just who was THAT woman?!?!?

The groom wiped his brow and said:

- Just relax honey. Please! I'm going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her.

My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband and see if he were in fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that.

She said:

- Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in ya.

A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife.

A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best friend in bed. The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, "My God Pete!!! I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU???"

I've never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day.
My secretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife. I went home early yesterday, and there it was, on the back of a kitchen chair.

Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears.

- Oh Marie - she said to her maid.

- I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary.

- I don't believe it for one minute! - Marie snapped.

- You're just saying that to make me jealous!!!

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

- Was it my friend Sam - he demanded.

- No! - his weeping wife replied.

- Was it my friend Jim then? - he asked.

- NO!!! - she said even more upset.

- Well which one of my no good friends did this then? - he asked.

- Don't you think I have any friends of my own? - she snapped.

If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what have you usually done wrong?
→ Made her chain too long.