Newest jokes

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day! (Phyllis Diller)

Mail your packages early so that the post office can lose them in time for Christmas! (Johnny Carson)

Here's a money saving tip for Christmas: Glue Ju Ju Bee on a Brick and mail it out as a fruitcake! (Julie Brown)

Dear Friends,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.

Love, Santa

Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?

Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?

Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?
→ Because she didn't know which one came first!

How can you confuse a blonde?
→ Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

How do blonde brain cells die?
→ Alone.

What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?
→ Nothing, they never met.

Why did God create blondes?
→ Because sheep can't fetch a beer from the fridge.

Why did God create brunettes?
→ Because the blondes couldn't manage it either.

What do you call a smart blonde?
→ A Golden retriever!

What do you get when you ask a blonde, a penny for your thoughts?
→ Change!

Why do blondes take the pill?
→ So they know which day of the week it is.

Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
→ Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
→ Gifted.

Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
→ They heard that under seventeen weren't admitted!

What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
→ They both have a black box.

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
→ Tell her she's pregnant.

Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?
→ She threw out all the W's

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.

He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting to paint his porch. He asks the blonde if she paints? The blonde says, "Sure anything." "Well, I've been wanting to paint my porch, how much would you charge?" the man replies.

"I don't know, say $50 bucks." "Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside.

His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks. The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more." "But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb blonde!"

10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blone stands there and says, "All done." With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch."

"Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."