Newest jokes

The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters "ILU" written on it. The teacher asks who left it. A little white girl raises her hand. Well sweetie, what does "ILU" mean? The little girl replies:

- I love you.

The teacher says:

- Isn't that sweet - and continues with class.

The next day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters "YAS" written on it. The teacher asks who left and what does it mean. A little white boy raises his hand and says:

- It means, You are special.

- Thank you sweetheart - the teacher says.

The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the letters "FUCK" written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it and if they know what that means. A little black girl raises her hand and cheerfully says:

- Yes maam, I left it. It means, from us colored kids!.

Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and groaning:

- I want a man, I want a man.

Shaking his head in bewilderment, Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there is a man in bed with his mom.

Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest and groans:

- I want a bike, I want a bike.

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says:

- Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?

The priest says:

- Because I'm a father.

Johnny says:

- Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards.

The priest says:

- You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children.

Johnny says:

- You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards.

A teacher said to her little student Suzy:

- Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry.

Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply:

- Let's see. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry!!!

One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding parents left us alone in the living room. Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway.

- If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter - I said to her.

Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again.

- Here is a dollar - she said.

- I wanna watch.

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was:

- It's a period - reported Johnnie.

- Well I can see that - she said.

- But what is so exciting about a period?

- Damned if I know - said Johnnie - but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said:

- Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?

The other answered:

- Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked:

- What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again.

- Well, uh, yes, it is. - replied Carol.

- I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane.

- Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do - said the teacher - but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.

- Oh, but that won't work - said Carol, looking even sadder.

- You see, the plane was hijacked.

Little Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist for some rubbers.

The chemist puts a pack of rubbers on the counter. Johnny looks at the rubbers and asks the chemist if he has any other kind. The chemist goes into the back and brings out another pack.

- Nah - says Johnny - what else do you have?

- Well - the chemist replies - the only other kind that I have are the ones with all the bumps and ridges on them. Do you know what these will do to a woman?

Little Johnny says:

- No... but they'll make a goat jump about two feet off of the ground!

A little boy did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull". "How disgusting" said the teacher "I am sure your father could have done that" "No ma'm, he couldn't have" said the little sod "It has to be the Bull".