Newest jokes

There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces:

- If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!

The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says:

- If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!

More sighs and applause.

Old Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 96, stands and announces:

- If the rabbi stays, I offer SEX!!

There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks:

- Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?

Mrs. Goldfarb answers:

- I just asked Mr. Goldfarb what we could contribute to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Goldfarb said, 'Fuck the rabbi.'

What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?
→ Facing Bloomingdales

A man calls his mother in Florida.

- Mom, how are you?

- Not too good - says the mother. I've been very weak.

The son says:

- Why are you so weak?

She says:

- Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.

The man says:

- That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?

The mother answers:

- Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.

A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces:

- Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives.

A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks:

- Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?

- No Morris! - she responded.

Morris smiles, then asks:

- Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?

- Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!

Now Morris laughs.

- One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?

- Oy Morris I forgot that one too!

Now Morris is practically choking with laughter.

Esther asks Morris:

- So what are you smiling and laughing about?

Morris responds:

- They'll find us!!

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
→ They had reservations.

What do you call a villager with 500 girlfriends?
→ A shepherd.

What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
→ A slap happy Jappy, with a crap happy pappy.

You might be a redneck if you check the mileage on your home.

How do you know when a redneck isn't wearing any underwear?
→ There's dandruff on his/her shoes.

What's the object of a Jewish football game?
→ To get the quarter back!