Newest jokes

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating:

- Why did you die? Why did you die?

The first man approached him and said:

- Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?

The mourner answered:

- My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?

- Wife: Who was that on the phone?

- Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.

- Wife: What did he say?

- Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Charlie! I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!" He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice:

- Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted:

- Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

- Where are you? - the man asked.

- Who are you?

- I am your guardian angel - the voice answered.

- Oh yeah? - the man asked...

- And where were you when I got married?

Here's a sick one...

So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut off her late husband's penis and shove it up his rectum. The mortician objects, but threatening not to pay, he relents. Later, at the coffin closing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees a tear coming from his eye. She says:

- Hurts doesn't it, you son of a bitch!

Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance company ...

- Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.

- Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.

- Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.

- Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take your pick?

- Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.

One day a wife complained:

- This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.

The husband grunted and replied:

- The darn clock always was slow.

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."