A young woman stops into her local pharmacy to pick a supply of tampons for herself. She goes to the aisle where they are located and sees they are priced at five boxes for one dollar. Thinking this is a misprint; she finds a clerk and asks if this can possibly be the correct price. The clerk replies, "Yes it is the correct price. For one week only, you can purchase five boxes of tampons for one dollar, no strings attached."
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
- I'm not getting out of bed at this time - he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
- Aren't you going to answer that? - says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
- Hi there - slurs the stranger.
- Can you give me a push??
- No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed - says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says:
- Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??
- But the guy was drunk - says the husband.
- It doesn't matter - says the wife.
- He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do.
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
- Hey, do you still want a push??
and he hears a voice cry out:
- Yeah please.
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts:
- Where are you?
And the stranger replies:
- I'm over here, on your swing.
A rather well proportioned young lady, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
- Excuse me, miss - said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.
- The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.
- What difference does it make - Joan asked rather calmly.
- No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.
- Not exactly - said the embarrassed little man.
- You're lying on the dining room skylight.
At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.
As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.
She turned to Mr. Bush and explained:
- Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control.
George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied:
- Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses.
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers, his driver's license number and his address but to no avail. The cabbie said:
- If you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab.
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line. He asked:
- How much for a ride to the airport?
- Fifteen bucks - came the reply.
- And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?
- What?!! Get the hell out of my cab!
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked:
- How much for a ride to the airport?
The cabbie replied:
- Fifteen bucks.
The businessman said "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... What were you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks:
- Now, who is going to tell the wife?
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
- Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says:
- Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.
She hollers:
- TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!
Rippington says:
- I'll tell him.
Imagine you're in a room with no windows and no doors, how do you get out?
→ Stop imagining!
Girl woke up in the morning after a party and found an Elephant in bed beside her.
She said:
- I must have been tight last night.
The Elephant said:
- You were the first time but second time wasn't so bad.
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.
- How'd you get a cork in your ass?
- I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said: I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish. And I said: No shit.
