Newest jokes

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says:

- Stick it through that curtain.

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

- That's not a foot! - screams the nurse on duty.

- Holy shit, lady! - the drunk exclaims.

- I never knew you had a minimum!

What do you do if someone's having a seizure in a bathtub?
→ Throw in a load of laundry.

What should you give a man who has everything?
→ Penicillin

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.

Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, he explained:

- Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!

- Now wait a minute, professor - interrupted a student.

- Castration? That's absurd!

- Yes young man, it's sadly true - replied the professor smugly.

- Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said:

- Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen.

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in room 27. She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty. "Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.

He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK.

- Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died.

- David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry

The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination. "Mrs. Brown, I have some good news for you." The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown, not Mrs." "Oh. Well, in that case Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have some bad news for you."

A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat of cooling water, then dip his hand in it to solidify the latex. The glove was then thrown in a finished products box. The dentist's patient was disgusted by the lack of care taken in making the gloves sanitary. Wanting to keep all the patients he could, the dentist didn't mention how they made condoms.

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says:

- Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!

- I wouldn't worry too much about it - the doctor replies. Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.

- But you don't understand - the woman insists.

- He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.