Newest jokes

A neutron walks into a bar.

- I'd like a beer - he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

- How much will that be? - asks the neutron.

- For you? - replies the bartender.

- No charge

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink:

- You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive:

- How do you know this, Sister?

- My Mother Superior told me so.

- But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?

- Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself

- Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life

- How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!

- I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

- Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks - then he lowers his voice and says to the barman:

- and could you put the vodka in a teacup?

- Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.

- I'll bet you $10 he'll jump - said the first guy.

- Bet you $10 he won't - said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

- I can't take your money - said the first guy.

- I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news.

- No, no. Take it - said the second guy.

- I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar:

- Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home.

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door:

- Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender:

- If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?

The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender:

- If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?

The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.

- Sorry - the man replies - he's not for sale.

The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.

- No - he insists - he's not for sale.

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

- Are you insane? - the bartender demanded.

- That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!

- Don't worry about it - the man answered.

- The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist.

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

- No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes - he said to himself.

He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

- Here - she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes.

- I found them in the hallway.

- Now - she said - if only I could find my parakeet.