Newest jokes

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes.

- There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us - he announced.

- Since I'm the pilot, I get one!

After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

- I'm the world's greatest athlete - proclaimed Michael Jordon.

- This world needs great athletes, so I must live.

Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

- I'm the smarest man in the world - bragged Bill Gates.

- The world needs smart men, so I must also live!

Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak:

- I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.

- You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack.

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

- $10 for 3 minutes - replied the pilot.

- That's too much - said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said:

- I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10.

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer:

- I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.

- Maybe so - said the farmer.

- But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking:

- What trip?

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced:

- One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left.

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced:

- One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left.

An hour later the captain announced:

- One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left.

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said:

- If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day.

Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System:

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.
8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).
9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..
12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me...
15. I'll have what the Captain's having...
16. Hey capt'n take another hit man...

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom:

- Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water.

- Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below? - asks a little old lady, terrified.

- Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs.

- And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more? - asks the little lady.

- Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much.

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant:

- Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.

- Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.

- Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss.

- That's not why it's there.

- Ok, I give up. Why is it there?

- It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying:

- We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again:

- Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

- I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.

- But how do you know when you are going to land? - he was asked.

- I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground - he answered.

- But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? - he was again asked.

He quickly answered:

- Oh, the dog's leash goes slack.

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

- Sir - the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

- Did you see this terrible accident happen?

- Yep. Sure did. - The man muttered unconcernedly.

- Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?

- Yep.

- Were there any survivors? - the agent gasped.

- Nope. They's all kilt straight out. - The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor.

- I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.

- The President of the United States is dead? - The agent gulped in disbelief.

- Well - the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work.

- He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is.