Newest jokes

- Did you know that "verb" is a noun?

- How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?

- If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

- If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?

- If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

- If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

- If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?

- In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

- Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

- Is there another word for a synonym?

- Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

- What is another word for "thesaurus"?

- Where do swear words come from?

- Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

- Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

- Why do people use the word "irregardless"?

- Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"

- Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

- Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

- Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

- Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

- Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

- Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?

- Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

- Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

- Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?

- Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?

- Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

- Why is abbreviation such a long word?

- Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

- Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

- Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

- Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

- Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

- Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

- Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

- Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground?

The Aggies replied:

- we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long.

- Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

- Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

- Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

- Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

- Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

- Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

- Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

- Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

- Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

- Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

- Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

- Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

- Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

- Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

- Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

- Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

- Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

- Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

- Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

- Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

- Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

- Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

- Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

- Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.

- Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

- Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

- Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

- Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

- Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.

- Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.

- Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.

- Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

- Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

- Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

- Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

- Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says:

- We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive.

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Microsoft vs. GM

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

- If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement:

- Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?

And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.

My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL,
I really yearned!

I tried to stay busy...
And keep it off my mind.
It was worse than cigarettes,
at least butts I can find!!

So I went to Wal-Mart,
and got on their pc.
The cashier in electronics
was staring at me.

But I didn't care.
I had to get on line!
Check my mail,
and see what buddies I can find.

I drew a crowd
as I began to cry.
I couldn't find the password
no matter how hard I tried!

I need my AOL!!
I got to have my fix!!
Go to my favorite places,
check out some cool pics.

The cashier called Security!
I heard her whisper low,
"We have ourselves a Psycho here
and she has got to go!"

Security rushed over.
Not long did he stall.
Obviously he has never suffered
from AOL withdrawal.

He slapped cuffs on my wrists
and threw me out the door!
Then he looked at me and said,
"Don't come round here no more!"

I feel so embarrassed!!
I have sunk so low!
To be kicked out of Wal-Mart....
How low can I go?

So I'll try really hard now
to rid myself of this affliction.
Get rid of these bad habits
and my AOL addiction!

100 Buckets of Bits

100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus

FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus

....

Unleash the Power of Shift!

My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the real shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
→ Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

What happens if I press both shift keys?
→ Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.

My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
→ Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".

I pressed shift and its stuck down now
→ Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.

Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled "hif"?
→ Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
→ Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.

I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?
→ This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equippped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

There are two shift keys, which should I use?
→ Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
→ They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?
→ No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?
→ Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life.