Newest jokes

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
→ Bonds mature!

What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
→ Gifted!

Why don't men eat more M & M's?
→ They are too hard to peel!

What is the thinnest book in the world?
→ What men know about women!

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
2. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
3. It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
4. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
5. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
6. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
7. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

- Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

- Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

- Woman 2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

- Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

- Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

- Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

- Man 2: Haircut?

- Man 1: Yeah.

Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

- A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

- A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

- When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.

- A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

- A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

- A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.