Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas." "It's a big place," said Murphy. The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it." And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"
- Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? - the solicitor questioned his client.
- Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?
- Oh, no - replied Mrs. O'Connor.
- Shure now, we have a carport.
The solicitor tried again:
- Well, does the man beat you up?
- No, no - said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled.
- Oi'm always first out of bed.
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again:
- What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have.
- Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.
- Mrs. O'Connor - the solicitor said in considerable exasperation.
- you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?
- Ah, well now - said the lady.
- Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.
There is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave for a friend. He'd wanted to be buried at sea.
Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captains voice came over the loudspeaker:
- Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick.
Five minutes later he said:
- Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late.
A moment later:
- Er...sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than expected.
One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder:
- Good heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we'll be here all night ?
- Hey - said a new arrival in the pub.
- I've got some great Irish jokes.
- Before you start - said the big bloke in the corner.
- I'm Irish.
- Don't worry - said the newcomer.
- I'll tell them slowly.
A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up:
- You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.
- I'm sorry sir, I...
- Not you - says the Irishman.
- I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply:
- For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was:
- Just plant your potatoes.
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
- I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total - says the Genie.
The Scottish guy says:
- I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said:
- I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks:
- I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.
The Genie explains:
- well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.
The Irishman says:
- Fill it up with water.
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
The Doctor was puzzled.
- Doctor: I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink.
- Mahoney: Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober.
