A Polish student was in his the college campus bookstore. Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his classes, the clerk responded:
- This book will do half the job for you.
- Good - the Polack replied.
- I'll take two.
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.
The old man says:
- I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob).
The young jogger says:
- Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?
The old man says:
- I can't remember where I live.
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
- You'll get your chance in court, said the Desk Sergeant.
- No, no no! I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
- You consider McDonald's "real food."
- You actually like doing laundry at home.
- 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.
- It starts getting late on the weeknights.
- Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
- You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.
- You'd rather clean than study.
- Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.
- Computer Solitaire is more than a game, it's a way of life.
- You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.
- You know the pizza boy by name.
- You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.
- You live for getting mail. (E-mail included)
- Prank phone calls become funny again.
- Wal-Mart is the coolest store.
- World War III could take place and you'd be clueless.
- You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.
- Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
- Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
- You find out milk crates have so many uses.
- The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night).
58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from crashing!
As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.
- Those weren't midgets - the pilot replied.
- Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!
