Newest jokes

The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

- That's OK with me, honey - says her husband.

- I'll go get some wood for the fire.

About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.

- What on earth happened to you dear? - he asks.

- Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!

- Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them! - the husband shouts.

He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.

- Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue! - he shouts.

A huge redneck, about 6'-8, steps forward, a shotgun in his hand.

- I did it - he bellows.

- What you got to say about it?

The husband answers meekly:

- I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry.

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says:

- Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?

The other guy says:

- Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!

You know you're a redneck jedi when..:

- You hear: Luke, I am your father... and your uncle...

- You ever said the phrase: May the force be with y'all.

- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

- At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

- You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

- Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

- You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

- You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

- You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

- You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

- You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

- You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

- Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

- You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

- You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

- You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

- Your father has ever said to you: Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot.

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

- What's logic? - the first redneck asked.

The professor answered:

- Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?

- I sure do.

- Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard - replied the professor.

- That's real good! - said the redneck.

The professor continued:

- Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.

Impressed, the redneck said:

- Amazing!

- And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.

- That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!

The redneck was catching on.

- Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual - said the professor.

- You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

- So what classes are ya takin'? - asked the friend.

- Math, history, and logic! - replied the first redneck.

- What in tarnation is logic? - asked his friend.

- Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater? - asked the first redneck.

- No - his friend replied.

- You're queer, ain't ya?

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line:

- Where does you go to school?

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question:

- Yale - she replied.

The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted:

- WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL??

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands. A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read:

- Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal.

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

- Well, then - the reporter said.

The headline will probably say:

- Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog.

- Actually - the man said.

- I'm from Connecticut.

- In that case - the reporter said in a huff.

The headline will read:

- Yankee Kills Family Pet.

English.....
Spanish..... Te Amo
French...... Je T'aime
German...... Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese.... Ai Shite Imasu
Italian..... Ti Amo
Redneck..... Nice Tits

Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east towards Georgia on I-90. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked:

- Sarge, why'd you stop?

- You dumb rookie - replied the Sarge.

- He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him.

This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says:

- You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?

The guy says:

- I'm from Iowa.

The bartender asks:

- What th' hell you do in Iowa?

The guy responds:

- I'm a taxidermist.

The bartender asks:

- A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?

The guy says:

- I mount animals.

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar:

- It's OK boys, he's one of us!

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read:

- Old MacDonald had a _________.

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.

- Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.

- Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm.

- Oh yeah - said Bubba.

- I remember now.

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered:

- Tiny, how do you spell farm?

- You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.