Newest jokes

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

- Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?

- It's OK - he answers.

- I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life.

- Well, then - she replies.

- I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?

- So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself.

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain:

- And how's your sex life....

- Infrequently - he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking:

- And is that one word or two?

There where two snakes talking.

The 1st one said:

- Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?

Then the second Snake says:

- Why do you ask?

The 1st one replies:

- I just bit my lip!

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

- What the heck did you do that for!?! - the man screams.

- Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?

The man says:

- No I don't, you IDIOT...

- But my wife out in the car still does!

My wife came home yesterday and said:

- Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is.

I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.

I thought for a moment, then said:

- You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator.

- No, there's definitely water in the carburetor - she insisted.

- OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?

- In the lake!

One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

- Doctor: What was your dream about?

- Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

- Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?

- Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

- Doctor: Then what happened?

- Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

- Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?

- Blonde: Yes it did.

- Doctor: And what did these letter spell?

- Blonde: It said "Pull"

So this guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says:

- Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place.

Our Hero goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found.

Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says:

- Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything!

Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
Atheism: No shit.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church:

- When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral - Joe began.

- You mean the parking lot - interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

- I walked up the trail to the gate - Joe continued.

- The sidewalk to the door - Charlie corrected him.

- Inside the door, I was met by this dude - Joe went on.

- That would be the usher - Charlie explained.

- Well, the usher led me down the chute - Joe said.

- You mean the aisle - Charlie said.

- Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there - Joe continued.

- Pew - Charlie retorted.

- Yeah - recalled joe.

- That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.

- Girl to Doctor: Doctor, Help! My brother thinks he's a chicken!

- Doctor: How long has this been going on?

- Girl: About a year.

- Doctor: Wow! Why didn't you tell me sooner?

- Girl: Because we needed the eggs!

After Christmas break, the teacher asked her small pupils how they spent their holidays.

One small boy's reply went like this:

We always spent Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarted and they moved to Arizona.

They go to a big building they call a wrecked hall. But if it was wrecked, it is fixed now. They play games there and do exercises, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool and they go to it and just stand in the water with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks there. They all go to fastfood restaurants.

As you come into the park, there is a doll house with a man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. They wear badges with their names on them. I guess they don't know who they are.

My Grandma said Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back home, but I guess the man in the doll house won't let them out.