Newest jokes

A doctor tells his patient:

- I've got some good news and I've got some bad news for you.

So, the patient asks:

- What's the good news, Doc?

And the doctor says:

- They're going to name a disease after you!

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll!

WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out :)

1. Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think!"
2. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets. (This one is especially useful if you're having a yard sale!)
3. Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask - "are you sure?" (Not recommended at Biker Bars)
4. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying "blah, blah, blah, blah".
5. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. (Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.)
6. Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." If they answer you, go to plan 4 above. Be prepared to run real fast :)
7. Go to the local electronics or appliance store. Adjust the tint on all their TV's so that all the people are green. When an employees asks what you're doing, insist that you "like it that way."
8. Drive around your city or town honking at pedestians. Flip them off while driving by. Collect points for reactions:

- They flip you off - plus 20 points.

- They wave at you - minus 10 points.

C: No reaction or blank stare - minus 10 points.

- They trip or run into something while staring - plus 25 points.

Bonus: If they fall down, give yourself 100 points.

TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
35. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
36. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
37. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
38. Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!
39. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
40. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
41. Ax Me About Ebonics
42. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
43. Boldly Going Nowhere
44. Cat: The Other White Meat
45. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
46. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
47. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
48. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
49. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
50. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
51. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
52. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
53. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
54. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
55. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
56. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
57. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
58. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
59. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
60. So you're a feminist...
    Isn't that precious.
61. I need someone really bad...
    Are you really bad?
62. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Owed Two A Spell Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami.

They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says:

- Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't.

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says:

- How soon do you have to know?

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.

The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The Brunette asks:

- What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!

One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says:

- Yeah, but you've got a driver!

A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job.

During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says:

- Yes, I fought over in Vietnam.

Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.

The guy responds:

- Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my testicles off.

- Great!, - responds the interviewer... we give disabled Vet preference.

- You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.

- But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 a.m.? - asks the guy.

- Yes, but you don't have to come in until 10...

All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway!

Have you heard about the new low-fat communion bread?

It's called "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus"!

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.

- I'd love an ice-cold beer right now - he told the genie.

Poof! A beer appeared.

Next the man said:

- I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women.

Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.

Oh, man this is the life, the guy thought.

- I wish I never had to work again.

And poof!...

He was back at his desk in the government office!

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

- People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears - one says - but we have no one to go to with our own problems.

- Since we're all professionals - another suggests - why don't we hear each other out right now?

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses:

- I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.

The second admits:

- I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.

The third psychiatrist says:

- I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret.