Newest jokes

NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as LardAss, Butt-Breath, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!

DRESSING UP: A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

LOOKS: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. ( I invite any woman to prove me wrong! :)

Two Polish guys were taking their first trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas, which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said:

- I wouldn't eat that if I were you.

- Why not?

- I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!

There were three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer, and a Vancouver guy. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out.

- I will give you each one wish; that's three wishes in total!

The Newfie said:

- I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish.

Poof! The oceans were full of fish.

The Quebecer was amazed! He said:

- I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing will get in!

Poof! There was a wall around Quebec.

The Vancouver guy said:

- Tell me more about this wall.

The genie said:

- Well it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.

So, the Vancouver guy said:

- Fill it up with water!

Did You hear about the Redneck who...

- Spent four days in Sears looking for a miscarriage.

- Took his expectant wife for the grocery store because they had free delivery.

- Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game.

- Put iodine on his pay check because he got a cut in pay.

- Was so lazy, he married a pregnant woman.

- Was feeling so low, he got his face slapped.

- Lost his girlfriend because he couldn't remember where he laid her.

- Thought asphalt was rectal trouble.

- Thought his typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period.

- Bought a union suit because his wife was having labor pains.

- Thought Peter Pan was something to put under the bed.

- Thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass.

- Smelled good only on the right side, he didn't know where to buy Left Guard.

- Studied for five days to take a urine test.

- Thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease.

- Went to the outhouse, put one leg in each hole, then crapped his pants.

Proof Positive that Jesus was Jewish:

1. His Bar Mitzvah was catered.
2. He lived at home until he was 30.
3. He swore his mother was a virgin.
4. And his Mother thought he was God.

Why do Italians not like Jehovah Witness'?
→ They don't like ANY Witnesses!

God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation. He asked:

- Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done. Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?

Adam raises his hand and yells:

- Me, Me, pick me!!

So God obliged.

God looks at Eve and says:

- Well, sorry Eve...but it looks like you're stuck with the multiple orgasms.

About two weeks before Christmas, a little Catholic boy decided to write a letter to Santa. He started "Dear Santa...", he thought "No, I will go to a higher authority", so he decided to write a letter to Jesus.

"Dear Jesus, If you get me a bike for Christmas, I will be good for two weeks.."

"NO NO NO NO I can't be good for two weeks", he thought to himself.

So he started all over again...

"Dear Jesus, If you get me a bike for Christmas I will be good for one week."

"NO NO NO NO I can't be good for one week", he thought to himself.

So he quickly ran to the Study room and grabbed their statue of Mary, and quickly wrapped it up in a blanket.

He started all over again.

"Dear Jesus, I have your mother...if you ever want to see her again...get me a bike for Christmas!"

After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said:

- Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!

The Preacher replied:

- Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...

- I'd appreciate it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!

The man said:

- I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!

The Reverend said:

- Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church!

The man said:

- Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!

And the Reverend said:

- NO SHIT?!

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife:

- Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

- Now watch - he said. Next he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said:

- Dick, at EASE!

And his dick deflated again.

- Wow, that was amazing - said his wife. - Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.

So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said:

- Now watch this.

Then he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

and the dick sprang to life.

Then it was:

- Dick, at EASE!

But nothing happened. So the guy again said:

- Dick, at EASE!

But still nothing happened.

So the guy now says:

- For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!

Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

- What in the world are you doing!? - she asked.

The guy says...

- I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!

A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked:

- Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?

- Well, yes, I actually did once.

- And how did your husband look?

- Angry, very angry.

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said:

- Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

- Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?

- He was looking through the window at us!

Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to:

10. Tommy Lee's - Camp Kickachickee
11. Lorena Bobbit's - Camp Cutaweewee
12. Tanya Harding's - Camp Wackaneenee
13. Kenneth Star's - Camp Catchacrookee
14. Louis Farakahn's - Camp Killawhitey
15. O.J. Simpson's - Camp Killachickee
16. Michael Jackson's - Camp Wannabewhitey
17. President Clinton's - Camp Getahoochie
18. Ellen Degeneras's - Camp Lickacoochie

And the number one camp not to send your kid to:

1. Monica Lewinsky's - Camp Suckapeepee

How to identify a Canadian driver:

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA
4. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO
5. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY
6. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER
7. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER
8. Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE
9. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA
10. One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scrapper in hand out front window scrapping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG

And God Created Woman. And She was Good. She had 2 arms, 2 legs and 3 breasts.

And God asked the woman what she would like to have changed about herself. She asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good.

She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob? And God created Man!