Nonsense Riddles

The following riddles and jokes were made up by BADJOKE.EXE, an MS-DOS program. You probably haven't heard most of them. Please try not to laugh too hard and feel free to flame as much as you like--we are all like passengers on the deck of the Titanic discussing what we're going to do when we get to shore.

How can you tell when a mechanic has been behind your nuclear warhead?
→ There are nubile lambchops all over your pizza!

How can you tell when a pope has been coming towards your spaceship?
→ There are laughing travelling salesmen in your banana!

How do you get 100 gargoyles into a nuclear warhead?
→ Throw in a lawn sprinkler!

Why do motorcycles fold born-again eyeballs?
→ To diaper their skyscrapers!

Why do policemen have toilets?
→ So that yaks will disobey them!

What do you get when you cross a Barbie doll and a banana?
→ An angry nurse!

What did the Democrat say to the kettle drum?
→ "Ignore my eyeball, you square baby!"

What did the finger say ot the lawn sprinkler?
→ "Enlist my meatgrinder, you born-again cockroach!"

How can you tell when a water cooler has been beside your mule?
→ There are schizophrenic bathtubs all over your skyscraper!

Why do nuclear warheads have televisions?
→ So that photocopiers will interrogate them!

Who was that baby I saw you with last night?
→ That was no baby, that was my senator!

What do a hot toddler and a fossilized kneecap have in common?
→ The both eat flying hairballs!

When is a toothbrush not a toothbrush?
→ When it's a flabby cornfield!

What do you call a garbageman who has married milkmen beside him?
→ A Communist!

Waiter, there's a cranberry near my polar ice cap!
→ Shhh! Everyone will want one!

Why do yaks have fingers?
→ So that Hare Krishnas will break them!

How do you get 100 horses into a drainpipe?
→ Throw in a teapot!

What do you get when you cross an escalator and a grandmother?
→ A thirsty spatula!

What do a lovesick armadillo and a grouchy tank have in common?
→ They both smash lazy lollipops!

Why do popes bathe automatic horses?
→ To satisfy their SubGeniuses!

What time is it when a kettle drum steals your senator?
→ Time to get a new senator!

What do a married shark and a left-handed pocketwatch have in common?
→ They both visit hi-rise armadillos!

What do you call a guru who has yawning armadillos inside him?
→ A violin!

Why do ex-convicts have televisions?
→ So that toilets will dissect them!

How do you get 100 beds into a Barbie doll?
→ Throw in a toenail!

When is a cornfield not a cornfield?
→ When it's a worthless whale!

How can you tell when a senator has been inside your bed?
→ There are hi-rise parking tickets up against your toilet!

Why do TV repairmen have beds?
→ So that VCRs will visit them!

When is a pencil sharpener not a pencil sharpener?
→ When it's a religious milk shake!

What do a green photocopier and a gaudy farmer have in common?
→ They both buy yellow prunes!

Why do armadillos have babies?
→ So that snakes will steal them!

What do a greedy teapot and a housebroken phonebook have in common?
→ They both stall born-again BMWs!

What did the toothbrush say to the sloth?
→ "Smash my horse, please!"

How do you get 100 bums into a hovercraft?
→ Throw in a vicar!

What did the toenail say to the cookie jar?
→ "Disobey my eyelid, you drunk landmine!"

Why did the Hare Krishna marry his cornfield?
→ To enshrine its solar-powered parking ticket!

When is an insurance salesman not an insurance salesman?
→ When he's a beautiful grandmother!

What do a mellow puppy and an overworked shark have in common?
→ They both toast gold-plated giraffes!

What do you get when you cross a skyscraper and a TV repairman?
→ A holographic chicken!

What time is it when a fly swatter touches your toothbrush?
→ Time to get a new toothbrush!

Why do demons have aerobics instructors?
→ So that ostriches will cross-examine them!

What do you call a waitress who has brain-damaged pianos on her?
→ A lima bean!

What do an awe-inspiring fly swatter and a cheap flea have in common?
→ They both bounce wacky gods!

What time is it when a SubGenius cross-examines your kneecap?
→ Time to get a new kneecap!

Why do grandmothers enshrine hyperactive sharks?
→ To befriend their prunes!

Why do toddlers have gargoyles?
→ So that forks will marry them!