To go outside, and there perchance to stay Or to remain within: that is the question: Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather That Nature rains on those who roam abroad, Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet, And so by dozing melt the solid hours That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare Outdoors, and by a stare to seem…
A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks…
Noah's Ark...
If it happened in 2000
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said:
- In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.
- But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark.
And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark:
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said:
- Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix.
The wife teed up and shacked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said:
Diary of a New Snow Shoveler
Decenber 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape…
Feel Free to Cut and Paste
The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form
Dear [rejectee's name here],
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So…
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, still I sat there, doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command And waited for the disk to store, only this and nothing more.
A Chicago man dies and goes to hell.
When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says:
- sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.
The man says:
- No problem. I'm from Chicago.
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just…
Hobo shows up at the front door of a grand mansion. The owner comes to the door. Hobo says:
- Sir, I am down on my luck and ask if you could please spare me a meal?
The owner stared at the hobo for a minute and then broke out in a lambasting such as the world has never heard:
- You shiftless bum!! I worked all my life for what I have and you make me sick, begging for food! How dare you!! You should be ashamed!
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's…
