Stories

December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection,
Agnes

December 15th

When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says:

- Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it.

This is the voice of Satan.

I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as…

STATE OF CALIFORNIA
DEPARTMENT OF INSURANCE
1700 "J" STREET
SACRAMENTO, CA 95368
PETE WILSON, GOVERNOR
HARRY WALBRATH, DIRECTOR

A Press Release - WASHINGTON D.C. The House Appropriations subcommittee on NASA oversight, in another effort to reduce the NASA budget, passed a resolution today to downsize the solar system. According to an unnamed congressional staffer, House Republicans felt there has been "too much redundancy in the solar system" and that streamlining the 4.5 billion year old planetary system is long overdue. Such action would…

Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the White House, Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse.

The Secret Service were guarding the premises with care, for a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there.

As Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed, dirty thoughts swam around Mr. Kennedy's head.

And Bill in his sportcoat; a heavy gray tweed, had just fried his brain with some Mexican weed.

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly…

Dearest Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry about poor old me. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe, or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your lonely ailing mother.

I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my Grandchildren. Lord knows their mother never buys them anything…

Geekonics
By John Woestendiek
Philadelphia Inquirer
Wed., January 8, 1997

NEWS BULLETIN: Saying it will improve the education of children who have grown up immersed in computer lingo, the school board in San Jose, Calif., has officially designated computer English, or "Geekonics", as a second language.

The historic vote on Geekonics -- a combination of the word "geek" and the word "phonics" -- came just weeks after the…

Dear Mom and Dad:

Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay?

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory…

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said:

- In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.

And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark.

- OK - said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the…