The Two Dollar Bill

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my wallet is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with me.

- ME: Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go.

- IT: Is that it?

- ME: Yep.

- IT: That'll be $1.04, eat here?

- ME: No, it's to go. [I hate effort duplication.]

At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and says

- IT: Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.

- IT: Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?

- MG: No. A what?

- IT: A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.

- MG: Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL.

- IT: Yeah, thought so.

He comes back to me and says

- IT: We don't take these. Do you have anything else?

- ME: Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?

- IT: I don't know.

- ME: See here where it says legal tender?

- IT: Yeah.

- ME: So, shouldn't you take it?

- IT: Well, hang on a sec.

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and . . .

- IT: He says I have to take it.

- MG: Doesn't he have anything else?

- IT: Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.

- MG: I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE.

- IT: What should I do?

- MG: Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money.

- IT: I can't tell him that, you tell him.

- MG: Just tell him.

- IT: No way, this is weird, I'm going in back.

The manager approaches me and says

- MG: Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night. [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]

- ME: Well, here's a two.

- MG: We don't take those either.

- ME: Why the hell not?

- MG: I think you know why.

- ME: No really, tell me, why?

- MG: Please leave before I call mall security.

- ME: Excuse me?

- MG: Please leave before I call mall security.

- ME: What the hell for?

- MG: Please, sir.

- ME: Uh, go ahead, call them.

- MG: Would you please just leave?

- ME: No.

- MG: Fine, have it your way then.

- ME: No, that's Burger King, isn't it?

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]

- SG: Yeah, Mike, what's up?

- MG: This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.

- SG: Really? What?

- MG: Get this, a two dollar bill.

- SG: Why would a guy fake a $2 bill? [incredulous]

- MG: I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty.

- SG: So, the fifty's fake?

- MG: NO, the $2 is.

- SG: Why would he fake a $2 bill?

- MG: I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?

- SG: Yeah...

Security guard walks over to me and says . . .

- SG: Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.

- ME: Uh, no.

- SG: Lemme see 'em.

- ME: Why?

- SG: Do you want me to get the cops in here?

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said

- ME: I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says:

- SG: Mike, what's wrong with this bill?

- MG: It's fake.

- SG: It doesn't look fake to me.

- MG: But it's a $2 bill.

- SG: Yeah?

- MG: Well, there's no such thing, is there?

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. It makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.