TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
- 54 times the sheets were clean
- 17 times it was too late
- 49 times you were too tired
- 20 times it was too hot
When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says:
- Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it.
This is the voice of Satan. I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as…
For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how…
THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!
With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole…
There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told…
My penis made me locally famous. I didn't find out about it until I got to the University. Before then my experience with women was non-existent. I'd been at a boys' school, and anyway I was pretty spotty. I couldn't believe when, all of a sudden, at the Freshman Ball, I was snuggling. I was even more amazed when we were in her room. We were both wasted. I didn't have a clue how to behave, I was terrified, but she…
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also…
During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.
The Lord spoke to Noah and said:
- Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.
And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.
- OK - Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the…
Excerpted from a 1950's high school home economics textbook
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
